Sparse

“There are two ways to get enough. One is to continue to 

accumulate more and more. The other is to desire less.”

― G.K. Chesterton

Ease

You are responsible for the peace that you feel.

Vicissitude

In a recent conversation with someone who is very close to my heart, I was told:

"You have changed a lot over the years. You have really matured. But at the end of the day, to you, a butterfly will be a butterfly."

Somehow, that sentence really touched me. 

A very accurate sentence if I may say ;) 

"The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it."

Marcus Aurelius

Ps. I will make it my mission to visit a zen garden one day... 

Succinct

I haven't blogged in a while, and if I have, they have been mainly pictures or quotes, and not words of my own- mainly because I'm Speechless. 
I hear, but I cannot respond. I see, but I cannot verbalize. I feel, but I cannot express. 


Mother Teresa's outlook on silence:


"Listen in silence because if your heart is full of other things you cannot hear the voice of God. But when you have listened to the voice of God in the stillness of your heart, then your heart is filled with God."


"Silence of the heart is necessary so you can hear God everywhere — in the closing of a door, in the person who needs you, in the birds that sing, in the flowers, in the animals."


To make possible true inner silence, practice:

Silence of the eyes, by seeking always the beauty and goodness of God everywhere, and closing them to the faults of others and to all that is sinful and disturbing to the soul.

Silence of the ears, by listening always to the voice of God and to the cry of the poor and the needy, and closing them to all other voices that come from fallen human nature, such as gossip, tale bearing, and uncharitable words.

Silence of the tongue, by praising God and speaking the life-giving Word of God that is the truth, that enlightens and inspires, brings peace, hope, and joy; and by refraining from self-defense and every word that causes darkness, turmoil, pain, and death.

Silence of the mind, by opening it to the truth and knowledge of God in prayer and contemplation, like Mary who pondered the marvels of the Lord in her heart, and by closing it to all untruths, distractions, destructive thoughts, rash judgments, false suspicions of others, vengeful thoughts, and desires.

Silence of the heart, by loving God with our heart, soul, mind, and strength; loving one another as God loves; and avoiding all selfishness, hatred, envy, jealousy, and greed.

1 Corinthians 13

I was told to study this passage. I was told to "Be as Paul writes and become love within yourself". I have a lot of respect for you... and your words... Thank you !

I was psyched to find it in Farsi ... !!

Post It

Peace

"il dolce far niente"

"There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts."
— Elizabeth Gilbert

"You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control." 

- Elizabeth Gilbert

"You are, after all, what you think. Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions." 

- Elizabeth Gilbert

I feel disoriented

I usually receive random chain messages on BBM, which I usually ignore. I received one today, that made me think!


"Prayer is not a 'spare wheel' that you pull out when in trouble, but is a 'steering wheel' that directs the right path throughout."

"Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, LIFE smiles from above and says, 'relax sweetheart, its just a bend, not the end!"

"when God solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when God doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities."

"Worrying does not take away tomorrow's troubles, it takes away today's peace."

Sigh... I'm not sure where I'm going with this blog. I guess I feel somewhat ... disoriented !
I really hope that this really IS just a bend, and not the end....

Blah, my life is so unstable right now. I hate instability, and enjoy security, routine, safety. Blahh

After all my effort and search... Will I ever find Tranquility? 


I hope so... 

Deep within

In a recent conversation I had with someone, I was asked "How are you feeling today?"
I didn't give it much thought, and I thought it was rather awkward as this question was asked after we were together for 3 hours. I replied, "I'm okay!, how are you?" Then I chuckled.
I assume he realized that I didn't completely comprehend his question, so he explained, "I mean, how are you feeling deep inside?"
Then it clicked. We often asked others, "hey, how are you?" and it has become a custom to say, "I'm fine, how are you?" But how often do we ask others (specially the ones close to us), how they are feeling deep within? How often do we ask ourselves how we really are... deep within?
Lets not ignore our inner feelings, lets not repress those inner emotions. Ask yourself everyday, "How am I really doing today?"
Happy November everyone !!!

Beauty in life

Someone just reminded me :

You must look at the beauty in life even when its foggy and rainy outside.

:)

Inside or out?

Do we spend sooo much time thinking OUTSIDE the box that we forget to think of all the possibilities that are present WITHIN the box?

hmm....

Be the dance!

"One With Life.

Being one with life is being one with Now. You then realize that you don't live your life, but life lives you.

Life is the dancer, and you are the dance."

Quote by Eckhart Tolle ! 

Serenity

God, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

discouraged

There are times, when we feel discouraged , damaged, drained, dejected... in simple terms... pure EMO!

Well, let me tell you about my emo weekend ! Every event that happened last week, accumulated and led me to become discouraged... I had become so pessimistic, I was so down... That I became immobilized. I had a fantastic day arranged with a loved one on Friday... but I had to cancel that... because I only wanted to sit at home... and drown in my own misfortune.

Often ... if Im sad or grumpy or cranky.. or whatever... I do one of two things: I either clean (excessively) or sleep (excessively).

The insomniac that I am... I decided to sleep... but couldn't... so I took a sleeping pill ! (two to be exact). I hallucinated for a while... and it took me three hours until i finally fell asleep (at 3am). I woke the next day at 3 pm ... I was so cranky... but I decided to make a change !! I decided that I could no longer let my emotions take over me. I had to change... not a tiny change... but a lifestyle change. So I decided to begin by changing my environment. I spent the entire Saturday and most of Sunday remodelling my entire room. Alone. (ps. My muscles are in a lot of pain.. moving a huge bed, a desk, a book case... all on my own...ouchies).

"Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going"

-Jim Ryun

I will update you about this change... I realize that I didn't specify why I was so down... maybe one day I will...

but for now, I want to leave you with a couple of encouraging quotes:

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."

- Alexander Graham Bell

“Change is the essence of life.Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.”

- Ghandhi

Change

I believe that people are capable of change... under 2 conditions

a) They must be strong enough to realize that there is something in need of a change. For example, you must be strong enough to realize WITHIN yourself that a flaw exists... and that the flaw needs to be changed in order for progress to occur.

Then, you either have condition b or c.

b) Circumstances in life FORCE you to change. That is, a life event requires you to make a change.

OR

c) You truly NEED and WANT and DESIRE to make a change.

It's important for humans to be dynamic and fluid... Change is an essential component of life. The change I refer to, is the changes we need to make within ourselves... to become better... or atleast to strive to become better. In life, we only have ourselves to rely on. You are the maker of your own life. If you want your life to be better... then do it ! If you want to be a better person... then do it ! Anything you want from life... YOU must strive for.

I will repeat myself ... "If you dont like something.. change it ! If you can't change it... change the way you think about it." As YOU are the only thing that you have full and utter control over in life.

Life with and without faith

I can't help but think about the days that I truly believed in God. For years... I was able to get through ANYTHING ... and I mean ANYTHING... believing that

“The Lord [was] my rock”(

Psalm 18:2).

I used to believe that "

With God all things [were] possible” (

Mark 10:27).

How did I get through the hardship of life? I prayed ! I would pray for God's helping hand... I would pray for him to lead me to the right path....

Back then... I was happy. I had faith.

About two weeks ago, I had a very hard exam that I had truly studied hard for...but I didn't feel as though I was prepared enough. I was talking on the phone with one of my friends, and as a joke I said to her, "You know, I'm gonna pray to any and every God out there....I'll take on any religion I can... because I really need that extra help" . After I got off the phone... I realized that when I believed in God... after a prayer... I felt a lot more grounded... a lot more stable... a lot more assured.. whether it was a placebo effect or not... it happened. Then I applied the same principle to other aspects of my life. Having faith allowed me to feel happier, safer, more protected. My heart was more at ease...

Believing in God... made me set out more restrictions on myself. I lived my life differently. I liked those restrictions... but now... I have my own rules and regulations. I draw the line where I think it should be drawn. I was more humble... alot more collected. At the same time... I was young.. I am definitely more mature and life throws more "lemons" as you grow older... but deep inside... I didn't feel as empty and hallow as I do now...

So.... Sometimes.... I wish I believed in God.... whether he exists or not.... whether a placebo or not... because believing in his existence not only made me stronger but also a better person.

Believing in God... made me feel closer to my search.... closer to finding the tranquility that I've been seeking for....

"Destiny"...??

To my great disappointment, my attempt at searching for tranquility failed today. I was suppose to go to one of my old high school friend's church today. As I mentioned in my very first blog, he invited me to his church last week. Yesterday, I asked him if I could join him for Sunday service today. With his approval, I spent most of yesterday nervous about stepping into a Church. My previous experience with Churches haven't been the most delighted ones, and specially with the distance that now exists with "God" and I, thinking about going brought a bitter sweet feeling. Considering my bad case of insomnia, I slept at 7am (Sunday morning), woke up at 11am to eat and get ready. After chain smoking out of nervousness during my drive, I got there a few minutes earlier than him and I had arranged. Just as soon as I BBMed him to tell him that I had parked, he notified me that he had lost his wallet, won't be able to drive, was waiting for a ride, and was going to be late. He told me to go in alone, but I didn't have the nerve to do so...The following were my thought processes:

• deciding to go was a big step for me and even scary, going in alone...priceless scary
• My intentions were sincere, I wanted to figure out my stance... To see if I believe in God... and if "God" exists, he would have wanted me to go... to connect with him...find him... so I could take this as his lack of existence
• I was trying to really figure things out, and if he really exists, he wouldn't try to test me right away to see how persistent I am...or whatever... He would encourage me...no?
• If I am "meant to go", then another opportunity will arise?? maybe?? maybe not??
• Perhaps this is not the right time for me...Perhaps if God does exist, he wants me to go at another time (although I'm not quite sure why), or maybe I should go to a different Church...maybe even go alone, or with someone else..?? (Although I don't really see myself going alone). Perhaps I should go to a Buddhist temple? Perhaps Shul? Mosque?
• Or should I give up? I so desperately want to figure this out...I'm not sure if I want to give up...But I think if he exists, he KNOWS how badly I want to find him... maybe I'm being biased...maybe I'm trying to find something that doesn't exist...

Regardless, it didn't happen. I'm very disappointed. My friend was both disappointed and angry. I feel bad that he felt so bad...it really was NOT his fault...things happen ... maybe I should have gone in...maybe I should have waited until he got there? sighh......

I no longer know... All I know is I'm still nervous and jittery... I always felt my Search for Tranquility ... would be complete if I figured out this ordeal... will I ever??

sigh...

Insomnia leading to insanity?

Firstly, I cant believe I'm blogging... I used to blog when I was 16 about my "broken heart," and I will now be blogging about my confusion in life !

Ever since I can remember, I have been searching for "tranquility" !! It has been a part of my msn name for...years (alongside with "a soul is restless until it finds rest in God"). I find it extremely despairing that I've only felt "tranquil" for a very short period of time in my life, and that was... years ago when I was young and inexperienced. Was that really "tranquility" or merely "happiness" .... I don't know. This tranquil feeling emerged as a result of my faith in God, and of course a significant other that was in my life at the time. The significant other, although still in my life is no longer "a part" of my life and unfortunately my faith in God has also deceased. Although generally a happy person, I find myself to have become a bit more cynical each day. I have sacrificed so much to undo my mistakes and focus on school that I have lost any real contact with "life" (I find myself constantly using these stupid quotes ...and somehow i cant help it). Is school really that important? My excuse for putting God aside started with , "oh, I have a test or an exam and I really don't have time." I then met someone who is a hardcore atheist. I spent hours with him for at least 4 months (and no... nothing was going on ...jeez), and after listening to him and researching the pure evolutionist point of view, my relationship with God came to a halt. Was school worth it? Was I influenced?

I am now stuck in an agnostic stage, in which I am mentally torn between two separate belief systems.

Today/yesterday, I met with an old friend of mine who does infact believe in God. I questioned him about his faith, and he reminded me of myself about two or three years ago. His belief, faith, dedication and devotion was a breath of fresh air and it made me question myself. We spoke about religion and God for some time, and he brought up something that I had previously thought about, and he randomly touched upon it. I had always thought that if I had a "calling" it would be to help those emotionally in need. I always wanted to be part of the big sister program. Was it a coincidence or a sign that he mentioned this without my disclosure? I agreed to join him at his church... perhaps it'll allow me to pass this agnostic stage?? Is it even a phase??

Online diary much? lol

I have barely had someone hold my hand and walk me through a crisis (metaphorically speaking of course), and I'm so petrified and confused right now that I would truly appreciate a helping hand; however, I know this is something I must find within myself. BLAH !

I DO know however, that what I'm feeling is destructive. My current lifestyle is also destructive. It's 5:40 AM ...most people are either sleeping or just getting up, and this is my mid-day !!! I used to refer to myself as "jubilantly nocturnal"...but it has now transitioned into being "miserably an insomniac" !! My life is currently so unstable, that I'm unable to pinpoint the exact source of my distress.

I also know that my conversation with him occurred at a perfect time.

Will I ever find true tranquility? If I do, I want to get a tattoo in chinese..hopefully that wont occur when Im so old and wrinkly that a tattoo would look nasty ! lol yes, thats my motivation to find tranquility soon (joke!...plz chuckle at my poor attempt).

Ps. The photo is my symbol of tranquility...I have adored this photo for as long as I remember...