Reticent

I have been so drowned in my everyday predicaments, that I have become reticent.
I'm sorry that I have been such a terrible friend- that I have been so absorbed by my own issues, that I have been unable to be there for you...

I know you want to be there for me, but I keep pushing you away. I don't know why. Solitude seems to be the only way that I can maintain my poise.

"You are talented, intelligent, and beautiful. You can and will achieve the things you want to. I promise you."

Thank you for your kind words.

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son! 

- Rudyard Kipling

Semi-Confession

I started writing a couple of hours ago... it was titled "Confessions part deux". I basically had bullet points directed towards different people...  I guess if I posted it, it would have been impulsive, and ... really random...
This will be a semi-confession- a very general one:

“Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart”

- Eleanor Roosevelt 


I agree with that quote... I have seen it take place in my own life. BUT... what if I don't want some people to walk out? Throughout the years, people have walked in and out of my life frequently. I won't lie, some of them I consciously opened the door for them and asked them to leave. Others... well, life just separated us and I don't particularly mind. But there is one last group which includes people that are no longer in my life (or are only partially in my life)- that truly effects me. There are people that I truly miss, and I feel their void in my life. Yes, most of those people have left a "footprint" in my heart... but I wish that they were still so close that  I could sense and grasp their presence in my life. (selfish? perhaps).


I try to keep in touch with those that I love ... I may suck at expressing how much I care about them... 
I don't want to blab on about how all these feelings arose... so I'll stop here. 


“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares.”
- Henri Nouwen


For my friends who are reading this blog: a) thanks for reading... it really means a lot to me b) you mean more to me than you know.


Perhaps I should start expressing myself more... ?! 


I appreciate you all being in my life. Some of you - I wish you were more involved. Some of you- I truly miss. I'll try to be more sappy when I see each and every one of you (not EVERYtime i see you... I can't spoil you that much).


I have one shout out: I can't seem to bring myself to say this to you in person. I know you barely ever read my blog ( I'm not too fond of you for that ). I want you to know, that I love you. You are my backbone. I'm sorry I made you feel like a lamp post (? what was it?). I'm not sure if this means I should refrain from dumping my baggage in front of you... but thats something we need to talk about in person. My point is: I appreciate all that you have done for me. Nothing that you've ever done... has gone by unnoticed. You are my sunshine. 

Who are you?

Here is another guest posting. This one can be considered as a continuation of my previous blog, as it is written by Person B. I hope this gives a broader perspective of "the situation." (hahah Jersey Shore lawlz)


Who are you?



Jane Seymour once wrote, “When everything seems up in the air, and I don’t instantly know what to do next, I’ve found that if I take an honest look at myself and at my predicament, I have a stronger starting point from which to make decisions. If I do not, my decisions all seem to be off center”. I think that really resonates with me. Maybe it’s because Jane Seymour played Dr. Quinn in the TV show “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman” [and I happened to be quite fond of that show while it was on TV]. Regardless, I think that statement says something about my nature and human nature in general.


It just happened that recently I got a taste of what that statement really means. I was faced with a situation which sent me into a conflict with the very nature of who I was. I couldn’t tell right from wrong because I hadn’t taken “an HONEST hard look at myself”. When I finally did figure out what the right decision was, it was too little too late. I had let myself stray so far off-centre from what and who I believe I am that I didn’t even recognize myself in the mirror. I kept staring into the mirror, thinking to myself “WHO ARE YOU?” The worst part of all of this is not the turmoil I felt – it was the turmoil I had caused upon someone else. I had never thought in 1435279870 years that an action of mine would be so hurtful to anyone even my worst enemy.


Ultimately, at the end of the day, when we are all faced with decisions and predicaments that seem impossible, we have to take an honest look at ourselves. Once we are honest, we will realize that no matter how scary and painful the outcomes of our decision might be, it’s the right thing to do. This holds true for all decisions that have an impact on what I will define as human connections – meaning our interaction and communication with people we barely know as well as our closest friends and family.


Occasionally, you might still make the wrong decision. But regardless of whether or not we were wrong with/without the use of this method, FIGHT for human connection. The point of life is not to live every moment through the monocle of logic nor is it only about emotion. Find the balance & connect with someone along the way. Once you find that someone, be honest with yourself and with them, and maybe that’s the way to finding happiness. For you might wake up one day in a situation such as mine, where you have the Great Wall of China to overcome in order to fix your unforgiveable mistake and prove to that someone in your life that they can trust you.


Who am I? To be honest with you… on certain days I don’t know… but I will keep fighting.

LD

This too shall pass !

Even been betrayed by someone that you truly trusted? Ever been lied to? or deceived, or misled?

I recently found out that I have been lied to ... for months ... about something that I already had my suspicions about ! Something I asked and questioned about... for months !! The answer I received every single time... was a lie ! It's not really the CONTENT that bothers me. It's actually the CONTEXT. The situation is far too complicated, but to sum it up without exploiting other people's privacy, the story goes as follows:

Person A and I had established to disclose certain information upon its occurrence. When the "event" occurred, person A failed to notify me! I had my suspicions, and I asked many times whether this "event" had taken place or not. Person A always denied.

Person B, who happens to be a very close friend of mine was aware of this situation and also failed to inform me. Even though, I had asked about it many times.

Please note, that my emotions were deeply involved in this "event".

For the last couple of months (while this event has been taking place), I have been nothing but honest with both person A and B. I was hoping to receive the same level of honesty in return, as both people know how much I value honesty. My honesty with A however, has led this person to be very judgmental. I have been severely criticized about my actions. Meanwhile, A has been a hypocrite ! Basically, I was taken advantage of due to my unawareness.

Now B, knows my most inner thoughts. B was trusted... maybe too soon? maybe too much? B also knows that I'm a tough ass cookie. B knows I can handle things. Yet, failed to notify me that I was being fooled !

I value loyalty and honesty in a friendship. I try, to the best of my ability to be of "benefit" to my friends. My friends, also know that I can take a punch. I'm no longer the girl who will cry her heart out due to some mundane "event". So why lie for so long?

I'm not even too concerned about A, as A has been pretty much out of my life for 8 months. Also, A found out that B is aware of the situation, so in an encounter with A, I was told that "B is not to be trusted, because B lies alot and I should not be friends with B". I questioned that statement, and I got very ambiguous and insignificant answers. Now that I think about it, A traced a path for me to question B... so incase B ever told me about "the situation" (does anyone watch jersey shore... "the situation"?? LOLZ), I would not believe it. In addition, A had told B not to tell me about "the situation" becauseit would "crush me."

B however... I expected more from.

In short, both A and B, had several opportunities that they could have used, to tell me the truth.

So question is: When it comes to trust, does one have to earn your trust, or do you simply ask for it? (ps. I had a similar post about love)

Well the answer is.. for me anyway... that trust must be earned. Somehow, with B, my trust was just given. Perhaps I'm a bad judge of character.

I realize there is a spectrum to everything. Life is NOT black and white. I also believe in second chances, as I believe people are capable of change (which doesn't necessarily mean that they will). However, there are times where a second chance is not permitted. There are times where a single mistake is enough for me to snip snip ! lol ! It's like a mutation in DNA: there are silent mutations where there is no change in the amino acid sequence of a polypeptide (no real detectable changes occur). But there are also mutations that lead to cancer and other degenerative diseases !

At the end of the day, I'm upset with B. I expected more, as our friendship was truly special. It's unfortunate that B thought I needed to be "protected." I don't need protection ! I need the truth.

I'm not "crushed" about the situation and I'm not surprised at A. Frankly, I think it's hilarious how much A has been lying about so many different things... I didn't know people could have so much energy... to lie... so much !!!

My decision: I have forgiven and forgotten way too many incidences that have occurred with A over the years. I no longer feel that A's existence is essential in my life. As a matter of fact, I believe that my life would be ... more hassle free and stress free without A.

With B, it's a bit more complicated. I think if it was anyone else, I would have said "Sayonara." For now, I need to be away from B. I need space. Also, there now exists "the great wall of china" between B and I.

Do i regret putting my full trust in B? No ! I feel that in psychology, Regret is viewed positively. It is viewed as an emotion that allows people to refrain from making the same mistake. However, I don't think that's really what happens when people regret things. To me, regret is when one ruminates about the past! I will not ruminate, but I also will not repeat the same mistake again.

Note: I realize I said before that this "event/situation" that has occurred (and continues to occur lolz) involves my emotions. BUT... I truly believe in the power of thought. I like to be logical, and I like to have full control over my thoughts. Thoughts= emotions and if thoughts can be controlled, so can emotions. A friend of mine recently sent me the following image:

Yes, I know ... jeez a Tupac quote... but it's a good one.. he is talking about ruminating. So, in his terms, I now leave the pieces on the floor, with my head held high, and move the fuck on ! (oopppsss le pardon le language).

The past is the past... What's important is the present. YAY (thank you Eckhart Tolle for teaching me this lol). He is a genius, I highly recommend his books. Here is another quote:

"If you resist what happens, you are at the mercy of what happens, and the world will determine your happiness and unhappiness."

Also, I didn't write this blog to bash either A or B. I wrote it in case someone else has/will experience the same thing... they'll know that they are not alone. If someone betrays you, hurt you or disappoints you... evaluate to see if you deserve what you have been faced with. If you don't, and if the situation is so bad, it's at the end of the spectrum... know that you deserve better ! DO NOT surround yourself with people that give you negative energy, or hurt you, or take advantage of you. Surround yourself with those who LOVE and adore you; those who are trustworthy, loyal and honest. It is better to have ONE true friend, than to have twenty inadequate ones. Love yourself enough, to realize when to cut whom. Love yourself enough to protect yourself.

In case either A and/or B read this:

A: Im a tough cookie and I'm not "crushed" as you expected me to be. I hope that you are happy doing .... what it is that you're doing. I'm glad that you're no longer "numb" as you claimed to be. The five years that I knew you were great(ish lol) ! We shared some special times together ! However, I am no longer interested in maintaining a friendship with you. I wish you all the best.

B: I've already said all I had to say. I will add this: LD. You will be missed.

Only Two Whistles Away

So one of my close girlfriends moved to New York for school purposes. She has worked very hard to get to where she is and I couldn't be any more proud. But NY?? really??

I've known her for five years now, but we've only become close for about a year. I think with most of my friends I usually play the "motherly" role, but with her... she it's the opposite. She has listened to my melodramatic life and held my hand through it. She is very blunt and knows how to put me back into my place... no matter how harsh it sounds.

Last Thursday was her goodbye party. A couple of her friends had decided that buying her a pink whistle would be "useful"... well because she is moving to NY...and in case of an "emergency" lol she could use the "universal whistle code" and whistle,

Once for: come here

Twice for: where are you

Thrice for: Help

So the night went on, people chatted, laughed and mingled... I stayed until everyone else had left... at the end of the night, when it was time to say goodbye... she hugged me... and said "Please be good..." and she gave me a mini- reminder of what I SHOULDN'T do... She then said, "Nina, I'm only two whistles away"... and I couldn't hold it in anymore... I "teared" lol.

We talked to for about hour and half on skype today... and most of the time... she kept being her "motherly" self and reminded me to stay on track...... love you....

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares. " Henri Nouwen

So I shall have a super emotional blog moment:

Your presence is missed !! (ps. thats what it says under the picture.. lol).... I am thankful to have such an amazing person in my life ! MWAAA

Insomnia Continues...

When thinking about friendships and your relationships with others, regardless of their significance or lack thereof... Do you ever think about the costs and the benefits ? Is it wrong to do so?

Is it absolutely terrible to think about all the things you offer and the things you get in return? What if the costs outweigh the benefits? Under such circumstances, how big of a factor does loyalty play?

What if the relationship (this also refers to friendships...not just intimate cases) is no longer mutualistic? What if to you its a commensal relationship and subsequently it is an indifferent relationship to your friend/partner? Even worst (or is it?) what if the relationship is parasitic? What if one feeds off and the other suffers? When do you break ties??and if.... its indifferent to both parties??? BLAHHHH !!!

How much do you give... until you realize that you need something in return....

Is it all about balance?? Is there an "equilibrium" within relationships? I wish it was a two way reaction !

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Equilibrium

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Symbiosis

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Cost-Benefit

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I need sleep.

Also, Happy birthday to you.... I wish you nothing but success !