Permutation

I was recently reunited with an old friend of mine.
I remembered him as a sweet, smart, and shy guy who used to walk with me home almost everyday from school. He was kind, caring and had the most beautiful blue eyes.
I expected our first time meeting after 10 years to be awkward ... but it was far from that. We spoke for hours. He was still kind, caring and I couldn't help but drown in his blue eyes.

It turned out, that although we grew up only a few blocks away from each other, we had disparate teenage years. It was as if we each grew in our own distinctive bubbles, unaware of each other's surroundings. I had grown up in a safer, more conservative bubble; whereas he grew up in a precarious, vicious and barbed bubble. Yes imagine that, a barbed bubble. A volatile, virulent, and verboten bubble. Most of the stories he shared, scarred and traumatized me. I couldn't believe that anyone would be capable of leading such an anomalous life- specially someone I knew !
After sharing many of his life experiences, he assured me that he had changed- for the better. I was under the impression that he had learned his lessonS !! (plural !!!!) Perhaps he was being equivocal, or perhaps I'm easily deceived. Or maybe, just maybe... he really meant it.

I believe in the axiom (well my own made up axiom), that people are capable of change; therefore when he asserted that he had changed- I believed him.

Unfortunately, a situation came up... where I got involved (in a very minute way). The situation proved that he had not changed.... I was (and still am) so disappointed.
I tried talking to him, begging him to change. We are still young, and we have the time and resources to change. I realize that it is an arduous task to change when a certain life style has become habitual. BUT, his barbed bubble has proven to be VOLATILE, VIRULENT, and VERBOTEN ... OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. How many times does a person need to hit a dead end, in order to realize that the path he was taking would NOT get him out of the maze, and a new path is required???????

The situation was somewhat ... despicable. Truth be told, I was frightened- mainly because I was in an unorthodox predicament, and I didn't have any intrinsic or extraneous knowledge of what to do, or even how to feel. Consequently, I may have acted discourteous towards him. And for that... I'm sorry.

Are people capable of change?
I STILL believe that they are. If need be, please read my entry on change:

http://searching-for-tranquility.blogspot.com/2010/08/change.html

Can my friend change? YES HE CAN ! I see the potential in him. I KNOW he can change. It will be an extremely difficult task, but if he truly wanted to, he can. Perhaps he will need to leave the city, perhaps he may have to start from scratch- nevertheless, it will be better than where he is now.

If you are reading this, please know that there are people who care. Surround yourself with positive and influential people. Try to live a simple, humble life, unaffected by ... well.. you know...
Taking the first step, will be exhausting, but don't give up. I promise you will get somewhere better.
I will help you, I'm sure others will too. But you have to HELP yourself.
You can achieve anything !!! You are capable !!! Your current lifestyle, is destructive and will not end well. It will take some perseverance ... but it will be worth it at the end. You deserve a calm and happy life. You deserve a tranquil life. Please set goals and achieve them. You are capable.
It may be easy to continue what you are doing, and dig an even deeper hole. But I promise you, that in this case, grass IS greener on the other side. Hop over.

I hope you move on and never look back. Determination WILL get you through this. You must make some firm, lucid goals, and work as hard as you can to achieve them. TRYING will not be good enough. You must achieve. 

Please be good to yourself. Be the best that you can be. 

Change

I believe that people are capable of change... under 2 conditions

a) They must be strong enough to realize that there is something in need of a change. For example, you must be strong enough to realize WITHIN yourself that a flaw exists... and that the flaw needs to be changed in order for progress to occur.

Then, you either have condition b or c.

b) Circumstances in life FORCE you to change. That is, a life event requires you to make a change.

OR

c) You truly NEED and WANT and DESIRE to make a change.

It's important for humans to be dynamic and fluid... Change is an essential component of life. The change I refer to, is the changes we need to make within ourselves... to become better... or atleast to strive to become better. In life, we only have ourselves to rely on. You are the maker of your own life. If you want your life to be better... then do it ! If you want to be a better person... then do it ! Anything you want from life... YOU must strive for.

I will repeat myself ... "If you dont like something.. change it ! If you can't change it... change the way you think about it." As YOU are the only thing that you have full and utter control over in life.

Potential in all flaws?

The day finally came... I finally turned 23 ! Unfortunately, I'm not where I would have liked to be at this age...

In a conversation with my best friend, we pondered whether we take enough risks... well... we don't !! Why not? Would life be different if we had? I personally LOVE routine and order order ...I like to play it safe ! Regarding routine, let me give some examples...For five years, I took the same route to school, for three of those 5 years, I went (and still go) to the same coffee shop in the mornings and got an apple oatmeal muffin and a hazelnut coffee. I have a routine that is automatically followed EVERY single morning (unless i wake up at like 4 pm and don't go anywhere lol). I only drink tea throughout the day ...and it has to be green tea with one milk. When I go to my regular restaurants or cafes or whatever.. i always order the same thing. Basically, I hate change. I refuse to change my phone company even though there have been times that I have been offered better deals. I haven't changed my hair colour in a year and half. I studied in the same damn area of the library for 3 years ! I only chew one type of gum... anyway the list goes on and on... Perhaps I'm boring...Perhaps weird... I even realized that after a break up, 40% of my agony is because I feel sad because my routine has to change.. because my life style has to change, because my schedule has to change... my habits have to change... and I dont like change !

I realize I have flaws...perhaps many of them ... but is there potential in all flaws? Are we all able to transform our flaws/weaknesses ? Or are we molded so that there is no room for change?

Throughout my 23 years of experience ( lol well less bc no experience was attained as a baby...other than browsing around lol)... I have come to believe that people barely ever change. I can't even change my sleeping pattern...how is one to change a bigger flaw? I have had people come back into my life after years... no change... I have had people swear to me that they have changed...well .... no change ....

Yes, I agree that we DO NOT stay 100% the same as we are now... life, experience, happiness, sadness, success, failure.. they all change us... but certain personality factors / beliefs ( specially the main ones), unfortunately never change. I will NEVER be an insensitive person...i will never become careless and laidback ... I will NEVER believe in abortion ...

But there are certain things that change... I used to want to get married and have children...right now... not too fond about either of those two things. I used to be patient... right now...not so much...

It's so late...insomnia is killing me ...lol ... I have class in a couple of hours...

The point is... I wish we could change our bad habits, traits, and beliefs easily... I wish we could help one another change and become better people ... I wish instead of people getting defensive (believe me, I take criticism terribly), they would take criticism and use it to their benefit...

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

- Marilyn Manroe