Footprints in the sand

One night I had a dream -- 

I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and

Across the sky flashed scenes from my life.

For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand;

One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of my life flashed before us,

I looked back at the footprints in the sand.

I noticed that many times along the path of my life,

There was only one set of footprints.

I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life

This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it.

"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,

You would walk with me all the way;

But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,

There is only one set of footprints.

I don't understand why in times when I

needed you the most, you should leave me.

The Lord replied, "My precious, precious

child. I love you, and I would never,

never leave you during your times of

trial and suffering.

When you saw only one set of footprints,

It was then that I carried you."

Mary Stevenson

Inner Motivation

Pray as if everything depends on God, then work as if everything depends on you.

St. Augustine

http://all.worth1000.com/artists/paulbillett

1 Corinthians 13

I was told to study this passage. I was told to "Be as Paul writes and become love within yourself". I have a lot of respect for you... and your words... Thank you !

I was psyched to find it in Farsi ... !!

Breath of Fresh Air

I read this quote on someone's blog today... I found it to be a breath of fresh air... just rejuvenating...

"Live in such a way that those who know you but don't know God, will come to know God because they know you." ~Anonymous

I wait, I hope and I pray !

Does my heart and thoughts have to be pure? 

Am I to strip myself down to the core, become vulnerable and submit? 

Why was it easier to believe and to feel God when I was young? 

I wait... I hope... and I pray, to feel close once again,

to feel the love, the comfort, the ease, and the protection.

Life with and without faith

I can't help but think about the days that I truly believed in God. For years... I was able to get through ANYTHING ... and I mean ANYTHING... believing that

“The Lord [was] my rock”(

Psalm 18:2).

I used to believe that "

With God all things [were] possible” (

Mark 10:27).

How did I get through the hardship of life? I prayed ! I would pray for God's helping hand... I would pray for him to lead me to the right path....

Back then... I was happy. I had faith.

About two weeks ago, I had a very hard exam that I had truly studied hard for...but I didn't feel as though I was prepared enough. I was talking on the phone with one of my friends, and as a joke I said to her, "You know, I'm gonna pray to any and every God out there....I'll take on any religion I can... because I really need that extra help" . After I got off the phone... I realized that when I believed in God... after a prayer... I felt a lot more grounded... a lot more stable... a lot more assured.. whether it was a placebo effect or not... it happened. Then I applied the same principle to other aspects of my life. Having faith allowed me to feel happier, safer, more protected. My heart was more at ease...

Believing in God... made me set out more restrictions on myself. I lived my life differently. I liked those restrictions... but now... I have my own rules and regulations. I draw the line where I think it should be drawn. I was more humble... alot more collected. At the same time... I was young.. I am definitely more mature and life throws more "lemons" as you grow older... but deep inside... I didn't feel as empty and hallow as I do now...

So.... Sometimes.... I wish I believed in God.... whether he exists or not.... whether a placebo or not... because believing in his existence not only made me stronger but also a better person.

Believing in God... made me feel closer to my search.... closer to finding the tranquility that I've been seeking for....

"Destiny"...??

To my great disappointment, my attempt at searching for tranquility failed today. I was suppose to go to one of my old high school friend's church today. As I mentioned in my very first blog, he invited me to his church last week. Yesterday, I asked him if I could join him for Sunday service today. With his approval, I spent most of yesterday nervous about stepping into a Church. My previous experience with Churches haven't been the most delighted ones, and specially with the distance that now exists with "God" and I, thinking about going brought a bitter sweet feeling. Considering my bad case of insomnia, I slept at 7am (Sunday morning), woke up at 11am to eat and get ready. After chain smoking out of nervousness during my drive, I got there a few minutes earlier than him and I had arranged. Just as soon as I BBMed him to tell him that I had parked, he notified me that he had lost his wallet, won't be able to drive, was waiting for a ride, and was going to be late. He told me to go in alone, but I didn't have the nerve to do so...The following were my thought processes:

• deciding to go was a big step for me and even scary, going in alone...priceless scary
• My intentions were sincere, I wanted to figure out my stance... To see if I believe in God... and if "God" exists, he would have wanted me to go... to connect with him...find him... so I could take this as his lack of existence
• I was trying to really figure things out, and if he really exists, he wouldn't try to test me right away to see how persistent I am...or whatever... He would encourage me...no?
• If I am "meant to go", then another opportunity will arise?? maybe?? maybe not??
• Perhaps this is not the right time for me...Perhaps if God does exist, he wants me to go at another time (although I'm not quite sure why), or maybe I should go to a different Church...maybe even go alone, or with someone else..?? (Although I don't really see myself going alone). Perhaps I should go to a Buddhist temple? Perhaps Shul? Mosque?
• Or should I give up? I so desperately want to figure this out...I'm not sure if I want to give up...But I think if he exists, he KNOWS how badly I want to find him... maybe I'm being biased...maybe I'm trying to find something that doesn't exist...

Regardless, it didn't happen. I'm very disappointed. My friend was both disappointed and angry. I feel bad that he felt so bad...it really was NOT his fault...things happen ... maybe I should have gone in...maybe I should have waited until he got there? sighh......

I no longer know... All I know is I'm still nervous and jittery... I always felt my Search for Tranquility ... would be complete if I figured out this ordeal... will I ever??

sigh...

Insomnia leading to insanity?

Firstly, I cant believe I'm blogging... I used to blog when I was 16 about my "broken heart," and I will now be blogging about my confusion in life !

Ever since I can remember, I have been searching for "tranquility" !! It has been a part of my msn name for...years (alongside with "a soul is restless until it finds rest in God"). I find it extremely despairing that I've only felt "tranquil" for a very short period of time in my life, and that was... years ago when I was young and inexperienced. Was that really "tranquility" or merely "happiness" .... I don't know. This tranquil feeling emerged as a result of my faith in God, and of course a significant other that was in my life at the time. The significant other, although still in my life is no longer "a part" of my life and unfortunately my faith in God has also deceased. Although generally a happy person, I find myself to have become a bit more cynical each day. I have sacrificed so much to undo my mistakes and focus on school that I have lost any real contact with "life" (I find myself constantly using these stupid quotes ...and somehow i cant help it). Is school really that important? My excuse for putting God aside started with , "oh, I have a test or an exam and I really don't have time." I then met someone who is a hardcore atheist. I spent hours with him for at least 4 months (and no... nothing was going on ...jeez), and after listening to him and researching the pure evolutionist point of view, my relationship with God came to a halt. Was school worth it? Was I influenced?

I am now stuck in an agnostic stage, in which I am mentally torn between two separate belief systems.

Today/yesterday, I met with an old friend of mine who does infact believe in God. I questioned him about his faith, and he reminded me of myself about two or three years ago. His belief, faith, dedication and devotion was a breath of fresh air and it made me question myself. We spoke about religion and God for some time, and he brought up something that I had previously thought about, and he randomly touched upon it. I had always thought that if I had a "calling" it would be to help those emotionally in need. I always wanted to be part of the big sister program. Was it a coincidence or a sign that he mentioned this without my disclosure? I agreed to join him at his church... perhaps it'll allow me to pass this agnostic stage?? Is it even a phase??

Online diary much? lol

I have barely had someone hold my hand and walk me through a crisis (metaphorically speaking of course), and I'm so petrified and confused right now that I would truly appreciate a helping hand; however, I know this is something I must find within myself. BLAH !

I DO know however, that what I'm feeling is destructive. My current lifestyle is also destructive. It's 5:40 AM ...most people are either sleeping or just getting up, and this is my mid-day !!! I used to refer to myself as "jubilantly nocturnal"...but it has now transitioned into being "miserably an insomniac" !! My life is currently so unstable, that I'm unable to pinpoint the exact source of my distress.

I also know that my conversation with him occurred at a perfect time.

Will I ever find true tranquility? If I do, I want to get a tattoo in chinese..hopefully that wont occur when Im so old and wrinkly that a tattoo would look nasty ! lol yes, thats my motivation to find tranquility soon (joke!...plz chuckle at my poor attempt).

Ps. The photo is my symbol of tranquility...I have adored this photo for as long as I remember...