Peace

I bruise easily...

I feel restless, on the edge, nervous, scared, hallow.

I was doing much better before all of this started !! I was MUCH happier. I was hoping it would help me become even more happy, but instead, it is making me anxious.

I hate being so fragile !

 All rights reserved by dehsoares

The text message I recieved

I've been disoriented for a while now ... And after a conversation I had last night with someone - I felt more at ease.
A few moments ago, I received the following in a text message:

" When you are down to nothing, God is up to something! So, things are changing in your life, maybe it's time to dream again and start something NEW. You have to have a dream if you are going to make a dream come true. Maybe this is the beginning of a new season in your life? Be strong, courageous and determined, for your dreams are given by God. Something Good Is Going To Happen To You!!!"


Thank you for sending me this text message. It gave me hope ... It made me smile ... It brightened my day. I truly needed it.

I hope someone else can read this and get the same feeling of hope !
Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone

"il dolce far niente"

"There is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under the jurisdiction. I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and life and money and energy with. I can select what I can read and eat and study. I can choose how I'm going to regard unfortunate circumstances in my life-whether I will see them as curses or opportunities. I can choose my words and the tone of voice in which I speak to others. And most of all, I can choose my thoughts."
— Elizabeth Gilbert

"You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your clothes every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control things in your life so bad, work on the mind. That's the only thing you should be trying to control." 

- Elizabeth Gilbert

"You are, after all, what you think. Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions." 

- Elizabeth Gilbert

I feel disoriented

I usually receive random chain messages on BBM, which I usually ignore. I received one today, that made me think!


"Prayer is not a 'spare wheel' that you pull out when in trouble, but is a 'steering wheel' that directs the right path throughout."

"Often when we lose hope and think this is the end, LIFE smiles from above and says, 'relax sweetheart, its just a bend, not the end!"

"when God solves your problems, you have faith in HIS abilities; when God doesn't solve your problems HE has faith in your abilities."

"Worrying does not take away tomorrow's troubles, it takes away today's peace."

Sigh... I'm not sure where I'm going with this blog. I guess I feel somewhat ... disoriented !
I really hope that this really IS just a bend, and not the end....

Blah, my life is so unstable right now. I hate instability, and enjoy security, routine, safety. Blahh

After all my effort and search... Will I ever find Tranquility? 


I hope so... 

Deep within

In a recent conversation I had with someone, I was asked "How are you feeling today?"
I didn't give it much thought, and I thought it was rather awkward as this question was asked after we were together for 3 hours. I replied, "I'm okay!, how are you?" Then I chuckled.
I assume he realized that I didn't completely comprehend his question, so he explained, "I mean, how are you feeling deep inside?"
Then it clicked. We often asked others, "hey, how are you?" and it has become a custom to say, "I'm fine, how are you?" But how often do we ask others (specially the ones close to us), how they are feeling deep within? How often do we ask ourselves how we really are... deep within?
Lets not ignore our inner feelings, lets not repress those inner emotions. Ask yourself everyday, "How am I really doing today?"
Happy November everyone !!!

Beauty in life

Someone just reminded me :

You must look at the beauty in life even when its foggy and rainy outside.

:)

Inside or out?

Do we spend sooo much time thinking OUTSIDE the box that we forget to think of all the possibilities that are present WITHIN the box?

hmm....

Semi-Confession

I started writing a couple of hours ago... it was titled "Confessions part deux". I basically had bullet points directed towards different people...  I guess if I posted it, it would have been impulsive, and ... really random...
This will be a semi-confession- a very general one:

“Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart”

- Eleanor Roosevelt 


I agree with that quote... I have seen it take place in my own life. BUT... what if I don't want some people to walk out? Throughout the years, people have walked in and out of my life frequently. I won't lie, some of them I consciously opened the door for them and asked them to leave. Others... well, life just separated us and I don't particularly mind. But there is one last group which includes people that are no longer in my life (or are only partially in my life)- that truly effects me. There are people that I truly miss, and I feel their void in my life. Yes, most of those people have left a "footprint" in my heart... but I wish that they were still so close that  I could sense and grasp their presence in my life. (selfish? perhaps).


I try to keep in touch with those that I love ... I may suck at expressing how much I care about them... 
I don't want to blab on about how all these feelings arose... so I'll stop here. 


“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares.”
- Henri Nouwen


For my friends who are reading this blog: a) thanks for reading... it really means a lot to me b) you mean more to me than you know.


Perhaps I should start expressing myself more... ?! 


I appreciate you all being in my life. Some of you - I wish you were more involved. Some of you- I truly miss. I'll try to be more sappy when I see each and every one of you (not EVERYtime i see you... I can't spoil you that much).


I have one shout out: I can't seem to bring myself to say this to you in person. I know you barely ever read my blog ( I'm not too fond of you for that ). I want you to know, that I love you. You are my backbone. I'm sorry I made you feel like a lamp post (? what was it?). I'm not sure if this means I should refrain from dumping my baggage in front of you... but thats something we need to talk about in person. My point is: I appreciate all that you have done for me. Nothing that you've ever done... has gone by unnoticed. You are my sunshine. 

Conflicted

"I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken, and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken pieces as long as I lived."

Margaret Mitchell


"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

"

Marilyn Monroe

10/10/10

I got a bunch of random BBM messages, saying "almost 10:10:10 on 10/10/10, make a wish and pass it on."

I normally don't believe in these random spams (nor do I believe in ...wishes for various reasons which I may blog about later)... but this time around... as silly as it sounds... I made a wish...

and then I remembered the Cinderella song :

A dream is a wish your heart makes

When you're fast asleep

In dreams you lose your heartaches

Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday

Your rainbow will come smiling through

No matter how your heart is grieving

If you keep on believing

the dream that you wish will come true

sigh... how naive ! 

Breath of Fresh Air

I read this quote on someone's blog today... I found it to be a breath of fresh air... just rejuvenating...

"Live in such a way that those who know you but don't know God, will come to know God because they know you." ~Anonymous

I wait, I hope and I pray !

Does my heart and thoughts have to be pure? 

Am I to strip myself down to the core, become vulnerable and submit? 

Why was it easier to believe and to feel God when I was young? 

I wait... I hope... and I pray, to feel close once again,

to feel the love, the comfort, the ease, and the protection.

Be the dance!

"One With Life.

Being one with life is being one with Now. You then realize that you don't live your life, but life lives you.

Life is the dancer, and you are the dance."

Quote by Eckhart Tolle ! 

Kaleidoscopic world !

Please take some time.. everyday for introspection and self-analyzation.

Because your thoughts become habits and habits become circumstances. 

"The world is your kaleidoscope, and the varying combinations of colors which at every succeeding moment it presents to you are the exquisitely adjusted pictures of your ever-moving thoughts."

- James Allen

Serenity

God, grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

Who are you?

Here is another guest posting. This one can be considered as a continuation of my previous blog, as it is written by Person B. I hope this gives a broader perspective of "the situation." (hahah Jersey Shore lawlz)


Who are you?



Jane Seymour once wrote, “When everything seems up in the air, and I don’t instantly know what to do next, I’ve found that if I take an honest look at myself and at my predicament, I have a stronger starting point from which to make decisions. If I do not, my decisions all seem to be off center”. I think that really resonates with me. Maybe it’s because Jane Seymour played Dr. Quinn in the TV show “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman” [and I happened to be quite fond of that show while it was on TV]. Regardless, I think that statement says something about my nature and human nature in general.


It just happened that recently I got a taste of what that statement really means. I was faced with a situation which sent me into a conflict with the very nature of who I was. I couldn’t tell right from wrong because I hadn’t taken “an HONEST hard look at myself”. When I finally did figure out what the right decision was, it was too little too late. I had let myself stray so far off-centre from what and who I believe I am that I didn’t even recognize myself in the mirror. I kept staring into the mirror, thinking to myself “WHO ARE YOU?” The worst part of all of this is not the turmoil I felt – it was the turmoil I had caused upon someone else. I had never thought in 1435279870 years that an action of mine would be so hurtful to anyone even my worst enemy.


Ultimately, at the end of the day, when we are all faced with decisions and predicaments that seem impossible, we have to take an honest look at ourselves. Once we are honest, we will realize that no matter how scary and painful the outcomes of our decision might be, it’s the right thing to do. This holds true for all decisions that have an impact on what I will define as human connections – meaning our interaction and communication with people we barely know as well as our closest friends and family.


Occasionally, you might still make the wrong decision. But regardless of whether or not we were wrong with/without the use of this method, FIGHT for human connection. The point of life is not to live every moment through the monocle of logic nor is it only about emotion. Find the balance & connect with someone along the way. Once you find that someone, be honest with yourself and with them, and maybe that’s the way to finding happiness. For you might wake up one day in a situation such as mine, where you have the Great Wall of China to overcome in order to fix your unforgiveable mistake and prove to that someone in your life that they can trust you.


Who am I? To be honest with you… on certain days I don’t know… but I will keep fighting.

LD

This too shall pass !

Even been betrayed by someone that you truly trusted? Ever been lied to? or deceived, or misled?

I recently found out that I have been lied to ... for months ... about something that I already had my suspicions about ! Something I asked and questioned about... for months !! The answer I received every single time... was a lie ! It's not really the CONTENT that bothers me. It's actually the CONTEXT. The situation is far too complicated, but to sum it up without exploiting other people's privacy, the story goes as follows:

Person A and I had established to disclose certain information upon its occurrence. When the "event" occurred, person A failed to notify me! I had my suspicions, and I asked many times whether this "event" had taken place or not. Person A always denied.

Person B, who happens to be a very close friend of mine was aware of this situation and also failed to inform me. Even though, I had asked about it many times.

Please note, that my emotions were deeply involved in this "event".

For the last couple of months (while this event has been taking place), I have been nothing but honest with both person A and B. I was hoping to receive the same level of honesty in return, as both people know how much I value honesty. My honesty with A however, has led this person to be very judgmental. I have been severely criticized about my actions. Meanwhile, A has been a hypocrite ! Basically, I was taken advantage of due to my unawareness.

Now B, knows my most inner thoughts. B was trusted... maybe too soon? maybe too much? B also knows that I'm a tough ass cookie. B knows I can handle things. Yet, failed to notify me that I was being fooled !

I value loyalty and honesty in a friendship. I try, to the best of my ability to be of "benefit" to my friends. My friends, also know that I can take a punch. I'm no longer the girl who will cry her heart out due to some mundane "event". So why lie for so long?

I'm not even too concerned about A, as A has been pretty much out of my life for 8 months. Also, A found out that B is aware of the situation, so in an encounter with A, I was told that "B is not to be trusted, because B lies alot and I should not be friends with B". I questioned that statement, and I got very ambiguous and insignificant answers. Now that I think about it, A traced a path for me to question B... so incase B ever told me about "the situation" (does anyone watch jersey shore... "the situation"?? LOLZ), I would not believe it. In addition, A had told B not to tell me about "the situation" becauseit would "crush me."

B however... I expected more from.

In short, both A and B, had several opportunities that they could have used, to tell me the truth.

So question is: When it comes to trust, does one have to earn your trust, or do you simply ask for it? (ps. I had a similar post about love)

Well the answer is.. for me anyway... that trust must be earned. Somehow, with B, my trust was just given. Perhaps I'm a bad judge of character.

I realize there is a spectrum to everything. Life is NOT black and white. I also believe in second chances, as I believe people are capable of change (which doesn't necessarily mean that they will). However, there are times where a second chance is not permitted. There are times where a single mistake is enough for me to snip snip ! lol ! It's like a mutation in DNA: there are silent mutations where there is no change in the amino acid sequence of a polypeptide (no real detectable changes occur). But there are also mutations that lead to cancer and other degenerative diseases !

At the end of the day, I'm upset with B. I expected more, as our friendship was truly special. It's unfortunate that B thought I needed to be "protected." I don't need protection ! I need the truth.

I'm not "crushed" about the situation and I'm not surprised at A. Frankly, I think it's hilarious how much A has been lying about so many different things... I didn't know people could have so much energy... to lie... so much !!!

My decision: I have forgiven and forgotten way too many incidences that have occurred with A over the years. I no longer feel that A's existence is essential in my life. As a matter of fact, I believe that my life would be ... more hassle free and stress free without A.

With B, it's a bit more complicated. I think if it was anyone else, I would have said "Sayonara." For now, I need to be away from B. I need space. Also, there now exists "the great wall of china" between B and I.

Do i regret putting my full trust in B? No ! I feel that in psychology, Regret is viewed positively. It is viewed as an emotion that allows people to refrain from making the same mistake. However, I don't think that's really what happens when people regret things. To me, regret is when one ruminates about the past! I will not ruminate, but I also will not repeat the same mistake again.

Note: I realize I said before that this "event/situation" that has occurred (and continues to occur lolz) involves my emotions. BUT... I truly believe in the power of thought. I like to be logical, and I like to have full control over my thoughts. Thoughts= emotions and if thoughts can be controlled, so can emotions. A friend of mine recently sent me the following image:

Yes, I know ... jeez a Tupac quote... but it's a good one.. he is talking about ruminating. So, in his terms, I now leave the pieces on the floor, with my head held high, and move the fuck on ! (oopppsss le pardon le language).

The past is the past... What's important is the present. YAY (thank you Eckhart Tolle for teaching me this lol). He is a genius, I highly recommend his books. Here is another quote:

"If you resist what happens, you are at the mercy of what happens, and the world will determine your happiness and unhappiness."

Also, I didn't write this blog to bash either A or B. I wrote it in case someone else has/will experience the same thing... they'll know that they are not alone. If someone betrays you, hurt you or disappoints you... evaluate to see if you deserve what you have been faced with. If you don't, and if the situation is so bad, it's at the end of the spectrum... know that you deserve better ! DO NOT surround yourself with people that give you negative energy, or hurt you, or take advantage of you. Surround yourself with those who LOVE and adore you; those who are trustworthy, loyal and honest. It is better to have ONE true friend, than to have twenty inadequate ones. Love yourself enough, to realize when to cut whom. Love yourself enough to protect yourself.

In case either A and/or B read this:

A: Im a tough cookie and I'm not "crushed" as you expected me to be. I hope that you are happy doing .... what it is that you're doing. I'm glad that you're no longer "numb" as you claimed to be. The five years that I knew you were great(ish lol) ! We shared some special times together ! However, I am no longer interested in maintaining a friendship with you. I wish you all the best.

B: I've already said all I had to say. I will add this: LD. You will be missed.

discouraged

There are times, when we feel discouraged , damaged, drained, dejected... in simple terms... pure EMO!

Well, let me tell you about my emo weekend ! Every event that happened last week, accumulated and led me to become discouraged... I had become so pessimistic, I was so down... That I became immobilized. I had a fantastic day arranged with a loved one on Friday... but I had to cancel that... because I only wanted to sit at home... and drown in my own misfortune.

Often ... if Im sad or grumpy or cranky.. or whatever... I do one of two things: I either clean (excessively) or sleep (excessively).

The insomniac that I am... I decided to sleep... but couldn't... so I took a sleeping pill ! (two to be exact). I hallucinated for a while... and it took me three hours until i finally fell asleep (at 3am). I woke the next day at 3 pm ... I was so cranky... but I decided to make a change !! I decided that I could no longer let my emotions take over me. I had to change... not a tiny change... but a lifestyle change. So I decided to begin by changing my environment. I spent the entire Saturday and most of Sunday remodelling my entire room. Alone. (ps. My muscles are in a lot of pain.. moving a huge bed, a desk, a book case... all on my own...ouchies).

"Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going"

-Jim Ryun

I will update you about this change... I realize that I didn't specify why I was so down... maybe one day I will...

but for now, I want to leave you with a couple of encouraging quotes:

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."

- Alexander Graham Bell

“Change is the essence of life.Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.”

- Ghandhi

Adenovirus disrupts cancer cells !!!! or they HOPE

Salk Institute for Biological Studies:

Ok, so we know that our precious p53 (which is a tumor suppressor protein) is involved in preventing cancer. So p53 generally eliminates abnormal cells from the body ( or any virus-infected cells). Similar to tumor cells adenoviruses (main cause of upper respiratory infections) multiply better when p53 is not around.

According to Dr. O'Shea, adenoviruses do not inactivate p53 directly. Instead, they target the genome itself. Adenovirus brings in E1B-55K (a protein encoded by the E1B genomic region of Adenovirus), which binds to and degrades p53... and thus inhibiting apoptosis in the infected cells. So if adenovirus didn't have E1B-55K, it wouldn't be able to inactivate p53, and would only be able to replicated in tumor cells that are p53-deficient. So then, each time it ruptures the host cell to release viral progenies, the next generation of viruses leave normal cells unharmed while seeking out the remaining cancer cells. And According to Dr. O'Shea,

"This makes adenovirus a perfect candidate for oncolytic cancer therapy."

Dr. Conrado Soria, notes that "the inability of the E1B-55K-mutant virus to replicate in normal cells was not because the virus failed to degrade p53."

Due to rapid degradation, p53 is found to be at low levels in normal and unstressed cells. However, if there is DNA damage, activation of oncogenes or infection, degradation of p53 is stopped and thus its levels accumulate. This accumulation stop the cell cycle or induce apoptosis by activating p53 target genes. As Dr. Soria predicted, normal cells that had been infected with adenovirus that LACKED E1B-55K, p53 accumulated but target genes were still able to be turned on ... making apoptosis possible. This is because of another protein in the adenovirus ! YAY ! The E4-ORF3 ... this protein is a beast ! It modifies chromatin, so that parts of chromosomes condenses into heterochromatin, so that the regulatory regions of p53 target genes somewhere thats inaccessible. Therefore, the tumor suppressor cant bind to its target genes anymore, p53 becomes useless and apoptosis no longer occurs.

What does all this mean? it means that Dr. O'Shea "HOPES" to understand how high levels of wild type p53 may be inactivated in cancer ! He says, "our study really changes the longstanding definition of how p53 is inactivated in adenovirus-infected cells and will finally allow us to develop true p53 tumor selective oncolytic therapies."

Change

I believe that people are capable of change... under 2 conditions

a) They must be strong enough to realize that there is something in need of a change. For example, you must be strong enough to realize WITHIN yourself that a flaw exists... and that the flaw needs to be changed in order for progress to occur.

Then, you either have condition b or c.

b) Circumstances in life FORCE you to change. That is, a life event requires you to make a change.

OR

c) You truly NEED and WANT and DESIRE to make a change.

It's important for humans to be dynamic and fluid... Change is an essential component of life. The change I refer to, is the changes we need to make within ourselves... to become better... or atleast to strive to become better. In life, we only have ourselves to rely on. You are the maker of your own life. If you want your life to be better... then do it ! If you want to be a better person... then do it ! Anything you want from life... YOU must strive for.

I will repeat myself ... "If you dont like something.. change it ! If you can't change it... change the way you think about it." As YOU are the only thing that you have full and utter control over in life.

Trust life – it knows best

Someone I have recently befriended decided to make a "guest appearance" on my blog. He is one of the most dedicated men I know. We usually hold very deep conversations- and often times, we agree with each other's opinion. So don't be surprised when you read below and see a similarity between our ideologies. You will soon see how intelligent he really is. Thank you Sergei for putting in the time to write for me. I hope to see more of your work in my inbox. hehe

Ps. Sergei is the same guy who suggested "As a man thinketh" to me.

Trust Life- It knows best

There is a great deal of emphasis placed on goals and fulfillment of individual desires in today’s society. People are constantly bombarded with the message, “If you want to be happy and achieve success, figure out what you want and set goals.” And to a large extent this message rings true. It is fundamentally important to know what one wants in life and take proactive steps to get it.

Unfortunately, turning those goals and desires into reality is not an easy task. With all the challenges that life presents in itself, the pressure of achievement and fulfillment only adds to the burden of life. Although this “extra” burden pays off in the long run, in the short run it becomes quite heavy to bear. I don’t care who you, where you are or what you do, you will encounter setbacks, disappointments and failure. It is an essential law of life that adds contrast to success, joy and fulfillment.

The way you approach this single law will determine not only the extent to which you achieve your desired outcomes but also the extent to which you get to experience the journey of life. See, life will not always give you what you want but it will always give you what you need. I, personally, have recently gone through a break up with a person in whom I put a lot of unjustified faith, belief and confidence. I blindly threw a large part of myself into this other person believing that they will fulfill my expectations. Fortunately, I was wrong. And I say fortunately because in the end, this experience alone has taught me much more than any book or person could. Life is the best teacher and your interpretation of it will define your aptitude as a student.

The point of the story is simple. I did not get what I wanted but I got more than I needed. And life will give you what you need even though you might not necessarily like it. It might not give you what you want at a particular moment but it will always give you the things you need to be in the best position you can be in the long term. Off course, this might seem like a generalization and partially it is but if you are able to engrain this mindset into your character, no matter what happens to you in life, this mindset alone will carry you a long way from a place of weakness to a place of great strength. Because at the end, if you are able to trust life and put your entire faith into it, you will realize that every circumstance, event and experience – no matter how painful, stressful or disappointing – serves a purpose of improving yourself and your life if only you accept and learn from it.

"They themselves are makers of themselves"

I realize I haven't blogged in some time- perhaps because my mind has been very scattered lately.

I'd like to do a quick blog !

In a conversation with someone whom I respect a lot, I was referred to read "As a Man Thinketh" by James Allen. If you have not read it- I highly recommend it. It's a short read; nevertheless, incredibly powerful.

I truly believe that the only thing we have power over in this world, is our mind. I believe that " I think, therefore I am." I'd like to make reference to a couple of quotes by James Allen (from his first chapter):

"As a being of Power, Intelligence, and Love, and the lord of his own thoughts, man holds the key to every situation, and contains within himself that transforming and regenerative agency by which he may make himself what he wills."

"[Man] is the maker of his character, the molder of his life, and the builder of his destiny, he may unerringly prove: if he will watch, control, and alter his thoughts, tracing their effects upon himself, upon others, and upon his life and circumstances; if he will link cause and effect by patient practice and investigation, utilizing his every experience, even to the most trivial, as a means of obtaining that knowledge of himself."

Things to remember

Keep these three things in mind :

Mercy,

Love

and Forgiveness

C'est La Vie

Who do you spend most of your time with?

Who do you know the best?

Who do you trust the most?

Who do you care about the most?

I promise after my little story... You will understand why I asked these questions.

So today (technically yesterday...hour differences and such), as I was sitting in the public library studying... I glanced up, and saw a 20-something year old sitting in my close proximity. Instead of reading or writing, or texting...or any other random activity that can be done in solitude, he was observing the walls and the ceilings. He also stood out in the crowd... like a red rose would in a field of white roses. He had down syndrome. Due to a random dream I had the night before about an ill baby, I dosed off thinking about having a child with an "abnormality", whether physical, mental or both. Then my thought process went further... and I thought to myself... if I were to ever have a child (and those of you who know me, know that I do not want children), would I ever adopt? and if so ... would I adopt a child with down syndrome... then I thought about how people pick and choose (or atleast try to) who they want to adopt ... I couldn't help but wonder about those who are adamant about adopting (or being the surrogate) for a child from a particular background, with whatever intelligence and so on and so forth... and then I got sad... but then I thought to myself, would I really be capable of raising a child with down syndrome? I work with autistic children and their families and I'm well aware of the hardship that they go through....

I then realized that I was daydreaming for way too long... and as I glanced right back down at my book... I heard a woman on the paging microphone saying, "would the owner of a blue Honda Civic, please report to the parking lot"... I didn't think much of it, other than "lol that sucks"...and tried to focus again... she came back on and this time, she announced my lisence plate... and at this point I thought ... um.... she is paging ME...thats MY car..

I went downstairs and they told me that someone had hit my car and that I "better run". I walked.

I got to my car...only to find this:

Please note... I realize this picture doesn't really show the damage done to my car... but its the only picture that doesn't show either plates yet still shows how this woman managed to drive UP the curb and hit my car regardless. The right passenger side of my car.... completely gone... it hurts to look at the pictures ! lol Also, please note how my car is parked crooked... it was straight when I initially parked ! lol

My very first reaction was ... "WTF... How did she manage to do that ???" My second reaction was ... "wow... she didn't just drive away!"

I remained calm. She had already called the police. I called my towing company ... Police came, went through the whole procedure, towing guy came and I left with the towing guy (to go to a repair center). I then got myself a rental car and drove home (5 hours later ofcourse).

Moral of the story... I was shocked by my own behavior. I would have thought that I would freak out... that I would cry ... that I would be confused. I handled it really well... all on my own. I truly surprised myself. I learned through this whole thing (oddly enough), that I'm more capable, more independent and much stronger than I thought I was. All of this may not seem like a big deal to you... You may have been in worst situations before... but I've never had to handle something like this all on my own... and I did well ! I was just pissed off, because this took so much of my time, the time that could have been spent on studying !

Life events may NOT always make you a stronger person... but atleast they will teach you something about YOURSELF.

Back to my introduction: If you don't remember the questions, here they are again (for those lazy ones who dont want to scroll up)

Who do you spend most of your time with? Who do you know the best? Who do you trust the most? Who do you care about the most?

What were your answers? I'd love to know how many said " myself " . Because you are ALWAYS with yourself lol , the amount of alone time may be variable, but you're always present with yourself (or are you really present?? ) . Do you know yourself best?? you should !!!!! I think we spend too much time trying to get to know others....before we actually know ourselves. As strange as it is, we (sorry to generalize) don't know ourselves as well as we should ! but we claim to know our best friends, our significant others, parents ...you name it.

And do you trust yourself the most? Well you better !!!!!!! and you also better care about yourself the most too (yes I realize debatable).

But When we are asked those questions, we often think, "oh well I spend most of my time with so and so and i know my best friend the most and bla bla bla". But our first answer should be ...ourselves !!!! Because if you dont know yourself well enough, and if you dont trust yourselves the most and care about yourself, not only will you be incapable of projecting them onto others, but others would fail to truly reciprocate.

Spend time with yourself... we all do... but be PRESENT in the time you spend with yourself !! Reflect... get to know who you really are. Challenge yourself...

I would now like to end this yet random blog with a quote from my favorite author Paulo Coelho:

"The more you understand yourself, the more you will understand the world" (from his book Brida)

ps. For all those who are wondering... Insomnia ... still with me

Regarding Love

When it comes to Love, do we have to win one's heart over.... or can we just simply ask for it?

I cant believe people study this random crap...and get paid for it....

How a hard chair creates a hard heart:

A bunch of yale-led psychologists did a study to show that our sense of touch affects how we view the world. They interviewed job applicants- those who were holding heavier clipboards to fill out their application, took their job more serious than their counterparts. In a different study, they found that if people were sitting on hard, cushionless chairs were less likely to compromise in price negotiations than those who were sitting on soft comfortable chairs.

In a different study, L. Williams found that in an encounter, people judged others to be more generious IF they were having a warm cup of coffee, as oppose to a cold drink.

A. Bargh explains that infants first develop physical contacts such as roughness, hardness and warmth. He argues that this is critical in how they view "abstract concepts" about people and relationships (ex. detecting a warm smile).

Life with and without faith

I can't help but think about the days that I truly believed in God. For years... I was able to get through ANYTHING ... and I mean ANYTHING... believing that

“The Lord [was] my rock”(

Psalm 18:2).

I used to believe that "

With God all things [were] possible” (

Mark 10:27).

How did I get through the hardship of life? I prayed ! I would pray for God's helping hand... I would pray for him to lead me to the right path....

Back then... I was happy. I had faith.

About two weeks ago, I had a very hard exam that I had truly studied hard for...but I didn't feel as though I was prepared enough. I was talking on the phone with one of my friends, and as a joke I said to her, "You know, I'm gonna pray to any and every God out there....I'll take on any religion I can... because I really need that extra help" . After I got off the phone... I realized that when I believed in God... after a prayer... I felt a lot more grounded... a lot more stable... a lot more assured.. whether it was a placebo effect or not... it happened. Then I applied the same principle to other aspects of my life. Having faith allowed me to feel happier, safer, more protected. My heart was more at ease...

Believing in God... made me set out more restrictions on myself. I lived my life differently. I liked those restrictions... but now... I have my own rules and regulations. I draw the line where I think it should be drawn. I was more humble... alot more collected. At the same time... I was young.. I am definitely more mature and life throws more "lemons" as you grow older... but deep inside... I didn't feel as empty and hallow as I do now...

So.... Sometimes.... I wish I believed in God.... whether he exists or not.... whether a placebo or not... because believing in his existence not only made me stronger but also a better person.

Believing in God... made me feel closer to my search.... closer to finding the tranquility that I've been seeking for....