Insomnia leading to insanity?

Firstly, I cant believe I'm blogging... I used to blog when I was 16 about my "broken heart," and I will now be blogging about my confusion in life !

Ever since I can remember, I have been searching for "tranquility" !! It has been a part of my msn name for...years (alongside with "a soul is restless until it finds rest in God"). I find it extremely despairing that I've only felt "tranquil" for a very short period of time in my life, and that was... years ago when I was young and inexperienced. Was that really "tranquility" or merely "happiness" .... I don't know. This tranquil feeling emerged as a result of my faith in God, and of course a significant other that was in my life at the time. The significant other, although still in my life is no longer "a part" of my life and unfortunately my faith in God has also deceased. Although generally a happy person, I find myself to have become a bit more cynical each day. I have sacrificed so much to undo my mistakes and focus on school that I have lost any real contact with "life" (I find myself constantly using these stupid quotes ...and somehow i cant help it). Is school really that important? My excuse for putting God aside started with , "oh, I have a test or an exam and I really don't have time." I then met someone who is a hardcore atheist. I spent hours with him for at least 4 months (and no... nothing was going on ...jeez), and after listening to him and researching the pure evolutionist point of view, my relationship with God came to a halt. Was school worth it? Was I influenced?

I am now stuck in an agnostic stage, in which I am mentally torn between two separate belief systems.

Today/yesterday, I met with an old friend of mine who does infact believe in God. I questioned him about his faith, and he reminded me of myself about two or three years ago. His belief, faith, dedication and devotion was a breath of fresh air and it made me question myself. We spoke about religion and God for some time, and he brought up something that I had previously thought about, and he randomly touched upon it. I had always thought that if I had a "calling" it would be to help those emotionally in need. I always wanted to be part of the big sister program. Was it a coincidence or a sign that he mentioned this without my disclosure? I agreed to join him at his church... perhaps it'll allow me to pass this agnostic stage?? Is it even a phase??

Online diary much? lol

I have barely had someone hold my hand and walk me through a crisis (metaphorically speaking of course), and I'm so petrified and confused right now that I would truly appreciate a helping hand; however, I know this is something I must find within myself. BLAH !

I DO know however, that what I'm feeling is destructive. My current lifestyle is also destructive. It's 5:40 AM ...most people are either sleeping or just getting up, and this is my mid-day !!! I used to refer to myself as "jubilantly nocturnal"...but it has now transitioned into being "miserably an insomniac" !! My life is currently so unstable, that I'm unable to pinpoint the exact source of my distress.

I also know that my conversation with him occurred at a perfect time.

Will I ever find true tranquility? If I do, I want to get a tattoo in chinese..hopefully that wont occur when Im so old and wrinkly that a tattoo would look nasty ! lol yes, thats my motivation to find tranquility soon (joke!...plz chuckle at my poor attempt).

Ps. The photo is my symbol of tranquility...I have adored this photo for as long as I remember...