To my great disappointment, my attempt at searching for tranquility failed today. I was suppose to go to one of my old high school friend's church today. As I mentioned in my very first blog, he invited me to his church last week. Yesterday, I asked him if I could join him for Sunday service today. With his approval, I spent most of yesterday nervous about stepping into a Church. My previous experience with Churches haven't been the most delighted ones, and specially with the distance that now exists with "God" and I, thinking about going brought a bitter sweet feeling. Considering my bad case of insomnia, I slept at 7am (Sunday morning), woke up at 11am to eat and get ready. After chain smoking out of nervousness during my drive, I got there a few minutes earlier than him and I had arranged. Just as soon as I BBMed him to tell him that I had parked, he notified me that he had lost his wallet, won't be able to drive, was waiting for a ride, and was going to be late. He told me to go in alone, but I didn't have the nerve to do so...The following were my thought processes:
- deciding to go was a big step for me and even scary, going in alone...priceless scary
- My intentions were sincere, I wanted to figure out my stance... To see if I believe in God... and if "God" exists, he would have wanted me to go... to connect with him...find him... so I could take this as his lack of existence
- I was trying to really figure things out, and if he really exists, he wouldn't try to test me right away to see how persistent I am...or whatever... He would encourage me...no?
- If I am "meant to go", then another opportunity will arise?? maybe?? maybe not??
- Perhaps this is not the right time for me...Perhaps if God does exist, he wants me to go at another time (although I'm not quite sure why), or maybe I should go to a different Church...maybe even go alone, or with someone else..?? (Although I don't really see myself going alone). Perhaps I should go to a Buddhist temple? Perhaps Shul? Mosque?
- Or should I give up? I so desperately want to figure this out...I'm not sure if I want to give up...But I think if he exists, he KNOWS how badly I want to find him... maybe I'm being biased...maybe I'm trying to find something that doesn't exist...
Regardless, it didn't happen. I'm very disappointed. My friend was both disappointed and angry. I feel bad that he felt so bad...it really was NOT his fault...things happen ... maybe I should have gone in...maybe I should have waited until he got there? sighh......
5 comments:
It is kind of interesting- every person I know (that is a regular church goer and believer) has had this type of scenario happen to them at the beginning of their 'spiritual journey'. What happened to you could have been a mini test from god or maybe you were just testing and/or doubting yourself? You should never feel as though God does does not want you in church at 'this particular moment'. God would not test you about whether or not to step into his temple.
Now that we're on the topic of imaginary friends, let us all praise the flying spaghetti monster.
be proud of your self for taking a step in the right direction. life should not always be black and white, thus not all events should simply be categories under two heading either (fail/success). I am proud of you! As for untamed scientist, even if god does not exist, for many it provides a sense of peace that material goods fail to provide. <>
Similar to what drugs bring to those who cannot live in the real world.
It is time for humanity to leave the imaginary friends behind and be human.
Another point to make is that you are NOT looking for a regular god. I mean you're not looking for Yahweh, Jesus (or his father who sometimes is himself...this shit is confusing) or Allah.
What you really have in mind is a dress up god. You have a basic idea and you dress up your god the way you feel like it or depending on your needs at that particular moment. The gender of this god is also subject to change.
You have enough courage and logic to reject the conventional (and disgustingly malevolent) gods of bible and quran. The way I see it, is that if you reject those funny gods and you're at a stage where you can create your own god, why not leave all these imaginary friends behind?
You can think for yourself, you can employ logic in your everyday life and not wait for some weird floating thing in the sky to do things for you.
Thank you.
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