Scariest night of my life- Warning: profanity involved !

Last night, I went out for dinner with a friend of mine... The food was great, the conversation was good.. so the night finished on a good note.

I however, decided to go visit a close friend of mine who lives downtown. I normally HATE driving down, but I needed to talk to him about my melodramatic life... and I thought it was only fair for me to go down to see him. The weather was absolutely mesmerizing, so we decided to take a walk and go sit in a mini-park. The park was very sweet and had a cute fountain in the middle with two duckies splattering around. Full moon night... I blabbed about my stupid life problems and as always, he patiently listened and calmed me down, and reassured me that things would turn out to be okay ! We shared some childhood memories and lol... then the tables turned and we talked about our past/ current illnesses and hospitalization ...

We started to walk from the part, because if you know me... I have a small bladder and I had a glass of water, a glass of ginger ale, and a cup of coffee at dinner, and then I got a grande green tea... so it was really time for me to go tinkle !

After I do my business, we started to walk north on Yonge street. A black car pulls over and

Random guy number 1 asks: "Where is Yonge street?"

My friend: "Buddy, you ARE on Yonge street!"

Random dude #1: Do you have smokes ?

My friend and I : "No!"

Random dude #2: Damn, that girl has a nice ass !

Random dude #3: I F*ed her last night !!!

My Friend: "well, I F*ed your mom last night!! *

I pulled my friend towards myself, and we started walking in the same direction as we were before. Neither of us thought anything of the situation and we continued our previous conversation... until...

BAM !!!!!!!!! five guys jump my friend... they started to punch him while yelling " DONT EVER SAY THAT !" My friend fell on the ground, and thats when all five started to kick... REALLY kick... SO HARD !!! I was such a useless dumbass ! I was so scared...and so useless.... I just kept yelling "FML, Please stop, stop it ....please stop !! " I was panicking, I didn't know what to do .. I was in shock ... Now that I think about it, I probably should have pushed them away...or hit them... or something... blah... so stupid !

Then, randomly, some gentleman in a suit runs up and pushes the guys away! I must mention that the five guys were very young ! So I dont know if they got scared or something ...but they ran away... I was so stupid and so scared and in so much shock... I didn't take down their license plate... it didn't even occur to me to do so ... blahh so stupid.

(Thank you mysterious man in the suit... He didn't have to help... He didn't have to get involved... but Im glad that he did. He is brave... what a man... what an angel... Is this a God turning moment? perhaps....)

BUTTT ... Who were these idiots? They must be some low life idiots ! Who jumps a guy with a group of people? How is that fair? Thats stupid !!! I dont believe in physical violence, but dude...if there is beef... F*ing do it one-on-one... not five-on-one ! F*ing pus*ies !!

I helped my friend get up, he was bleeding so much... I have never seen so much blood ... at the time, I didn't know if only his nose was bleeding or if his teeth were bleeding also ... He had blood all over his shirt, jeans, shoes, hands... it got on my skirt, on my armss, hands, watch, bracelet !!!! I walked into some random store ( I dont even recall what it was...a pizza pizza or subway ....or something) to get some napkins...

The ONLY thing I was thinking was... "I need to get him to the hospital"

Me: "we need to get you to the hospital"

Him: "No Im okay, Im okay... lets just go home Nina "

Me: "FUCK NO, we're going "

Him: "Nina Im fine, lets just go home, we're close anyway"

Me: "shut up, Im taking you to the hospital"

It was a miracle, as soon as I step closer to the curb to wave to a taxi ... there comes a taxi... I was shaking, he was calm.I asked, " Please take us to the nearest hospital" ...He said, " Mount Sinai please"

yes Mount Sinai... my favorite.. some of you know my experience with Mount Sinai last year ! FUN TIMES !!!

How weird...that not even an hour before all of this, we were talking about hospitalization...

We step in ... and I get a flashback ... I spent one of the worst 8 hours of my life in this stupid emergency room with le best friend last year... This stupid place was the cause of the downfall of a huge part of my life...

There was a paramedic standing by ... I saw him, and I wanted to die... My friend was still bleeding. I started to shake and cry... I couldnt be strong anymore ! It had only been maybe 10 minutes, but it was the most intense 10 minutes ... The paramedic gave me napkins to wipe off the blood, but napkins weren't enough... He was bleeding too much... He went to the bathroom to wash up, and after a few minutes I went in. The sink was red...with blood. I looked at him in the mirror... and i was ready to burst..

He finally went to check in...without a health card, or ID, or the number of his family doctor.

My thoughts:

" FML, what if his nose is broken, what if his ribs are broken, FML FML FML FML, what am I gonna tell his mom, FML ! What if he has internal bleeding, what if he has had a concussion, what if... what if..... omg, im so f*ing dumb... I should have done something... FML... How the F* could this happen? FML"

Meanwhile, my friend was being incredibly calm. He absolutely amazed me tonight. Sweetie, if you read this... Let me tell you... that you are a strong man.... you are truly something ! You are truly what a MAN should be... and im so proud of you.

We spent the next five hours in the hospital. He was so brave ! Barely complained of pain.. even though from the inflammation and the bruising... it was obvious that he was in a considerable amount of pain. When the doctor finally came to ask him how he was doing and to rate his amount of pain... he said "6/10" ... even though I KNEW he was hurting more... it hurt me so much... it really hurt me deep within... When the doctor left, I yelled, "no downplaying your pain !" ...he said he wasnt !

They put a neck brace on him, because his neck was hurting... It hurt... it just hurt... and I wanted to hug him and just cry... and tell him that I was sorry that all of this happened... I wanted to break into tears and tell him that I wish I could take away the pain... that I wish it had happened to me... That I was sorry .... but I had to be strong... he was being strong... I shed a couple of tears here and there... but i really controlled myself. At times, it seemed as though he was comforting me. He kept reassuring me that he was fine. He asked me several times to leave and go home... but how could i ... i wish it had happened to me....

The doctor looked at his nose and said that thankfully it wasn't broken. She then said that she wanted to take some x-rays, to check out his ribs, his spine, and he wanted to do an ultrasound just in case of internal bleeding in his stomach. BLAH... I kept telling her about his head.

His head hurt, his left eye was drooping, he had several bruises on his forehead and face, a cut on his neck, his back hurt, and it hurt to breathe. She said it worried him that he had trouble breathing and wanted to make sure there was no case of pneumothorax. FML !!! I cant believe this was happening !

He looked so calm... I cant believe how calm he was... didn't whine... didn't complain... not even for a second !

The nurse injected him with some anti-inflammation. He seemed abit more at ease... so I felt a bit more at ease...

4:30 Am... The doctor started to review his x-rays ... Everything was fine.. He had some bruising... internal bruising as well... hence why he had such a hard time breathing. He got some anti-inflammation meds and tylenol 3.

We cabbed it back to his place... 5 something am.I got into my car... and wept. I got home... 5 40. I wept, and wept, and wept.

Then, I received this text message from him:

"Hey Nina, once again Im really sorry you had to go through that.. Entirely my fault, really dumb of me... It wasnt my intention to put you in danger .. So im really sorry . Please tell your parents Im sorry as well for putting their girl in danger. As always lots of love n sweet dreams... N thanks for insisting on going to the hospital n staying with me. ure a really good person and friend."

Then I wept and wept. Gentleman right? true man !

Thank you for defending my honour. Thank you for sticking up for me. Thank you for caring enough to get upset when people disrespect me. Thank you for being so good to me... not just today... but always... thanks for listening to my crap ! Thanks for understanding me and not judging me. Thanks for hugging me... Thanks for wiping away my tears... I wish I could be as good of a friend to you, as you are to me ! You are amazing for being so strong, for not whining about the pain, for everything....

I will be forever traumatized. I never want to see you like that again. I never want to see you in pain. I never want to have to wipe blood off of you. I never want to be in the hospital with you. I want you to be healthy. I want to come watch you play soccer ! I want to laugh with you... I want the best... even if it means moving away (ok fine, ill be sad and ill probably come visit you 239423048 times).

I wish none of this had happened... it seems like a nightmare... I tried closing my eyes... but all I can imagine is you bleeding... I feel nauseous ... I cant believe that you're okay... im so glad !

So what I ask all of you to do... is to call/text/bbm/msn/email I dont care how.... but get intouch with a good friend... with someone you haven't spoken to in a while... call your mom... call your significant other... get intouch with those who matter ... and tell them you love them ! Because at one point... I thought I would never see him... I thought about all the worst things... I thought I could never hug him, play graffiti with him (hehe), talk to him till morning ...

I sit here... 8: 30 am... flashback: him hurt, Flashback: innocently telling me to leave, Flashback: sitting in the park...being peaceful... Im still in the same clothes, with his blood. My watch and bracelet drenched. My legs and arms still have splatter of his blood..... I wish I never went downtown to see him... I wish I just called and blabbed about my stupid problems...

I cant however, be more thankful that they didn't have any weapons.. ie. guns, knives... or wtv... They were clearly drunk/high or both... I hope they get what they deserve ...

I feel like it was a nightmare... I love you dear ! I know you know that ! ! YOU are a good friend... your text message... sigh... I wish I could make it up to you one day...

I hope you recover soon.

Thank you for standing up for me !

I'm thankful for having you in my life.

I wish it had happened to me...

I love you.

Le Confessions

I'm currently working on a more ... serious and "scientific" blog, but due to my dear untamed scientist, I shall do a mini blog to keep him and everyone else entertained !

Sometimes I wear my contacts for three days, without ever taking them out - they are dailies

I enjoy highlighting and using different coloured pens while studying.

I secretly like house and vocal trance !

I like the smell of acetone / panthenol /benzophenone.

My "dream job" - be a professional make up artist (ok fine... Id like to be a hair stylist as well).

I have an on-off relationship with peanut butter.

I LOVE fat squirrels.

I like singing in my car... by myself... and if you've ever been in my car while MY SONG COMES ON.... plug your ears... Im terrible.

I frequently talk to myself... outloud lol.

I say I dont...but I do want to fall in love again.

I like staying up all night, because I feel all alone ... in peace... at ease...

I like soda (pop wtv) but it makes me BURPY ... so I try to stay away.haha after a conversation with my little button... she made me realize that gassy and burpy are two different things... haha so correction: it makes me burpy !

I like to make boys feel awkward ! tee hee

I dont like halls ( referring to the cough tablets/candy).

I sometimes pee while taking a shower ! lol

I say I dont like the colour red... but secretly I do... I just hate the way it looks on me.

I dont believe in luck.

Sometimes I purposely ignore phone calls.

I crush on men who smell good.

I actually would love to have like 30 cats ! lol ... so yes...perhaps I WILL become the cat lady.

I'm not a big dreamer... I don't often reminisce... I get nostalgic alot... but I barely wonder, "what if..." but when it comes to him... I still wonder, "What if..."

I have more shoes than I actually claim... I hide them from my dad !

While driving, if I give way to someone, and they dont show appreciation... I hate on them ! lol.

Oh yes... I have road rage !

I LOVE grocery shopping ... and i LOVE costco (because of the free sample food lol).

I now believe, that I have to learn to be happy alone... and then find happiness with someone else.. I think having my happiness depend on someone else ... is destructive !.. even more importantly, I think I have to be content myself...to be able to make someone else content =)

I have a very addictive personality. I get hooked... SOOO quick !! It can be anything from a game (lol dont judge) to an edible items, particular pen, certain clothing, yes... cigarettes, you name it...

I'm very sensitive to smell SOOO

• I don't eat chicken...unless its SUPER seasoned .. and so yes...im not a big fan of bbq chicken... because to me... it smells
• I don't eat fish.... EVER...it smells and i dont like the taste
• I rarely eat eggs... unless it has NO smell whatsoever... or unless i put alot of ketchup on it, and plug my nose.
• I prefer not to use plastic cups... (specially at "restaurants" ..ie. st.louis) because they smell ! lol

I don't like to be barefoot. I also don't really like wearing flat shoes. So, if I'm at home, im usually wear sandals that are a bit high ( sometimes flipflops too) BUT, if im barefoot... I walk on my tippy toes, because I dont like the way the floor feels against my feet !

My favorite colour... used to be blue.

and there you have it...you all know my odd characteristics ! lol

Potential in all flaws?

The day finally came... I finally turned 23 ! Unfortunately, I'm not where I would have liked to be at this age...

In a conversation with my best friend, we pondered whether we take enough risks... well... we don't !! Why not? Would life be different if we had? I personally LOVE routine and order order ...I like to play it safe ! Regarding routine, let me give some examples...For five years, I took the same route to school, for three of those 5 years, I went (and still go) to the same coffee shop in the mornings and got an apple oatmeal muffin and a hazelnut coffee. I have a routine that is automatically followed EVERY single morning (unless i wake up at like 4 pm and don't go anywhere lol). I only drink tea throughout the day ...and it has to be green tea with one milk. When I go to my regular restaurants or cafes or whatever.. i always order the same thing. Basically, I hate change. I refuse to change my phone company even though there have been times that I have been offered better deals. I haven't changed my hair colour in a year and half. I studied in the same damn area of the library for 3 years ! I only chew one type of gum... anyway the list goes on and on... Perhaps I'm boring...Perhaps weird... I even realized that after a break up, 40% of my agony is because I feel sad because my routine has to change.. because my life style has to change, because my schedule has to change... my habits have to change... and I dont like change !

I realize I have flaws...perhaps many of them ... but is there potential in all flaws? Are we all able to transform our flaws/weaknesses ? Or are we molded so that there is no room for change?

Throughout my 23 years of experience ( lol well less bc no experience was attained as a baby...other than browsing around lol)... I have come to believe that people barely ever change. I can't even change my sleeping pattern...how is one to change a bigger flaw? I have had people come back into my life after years... no change... I have had people swear to me that they have changed...well .... no change ....

Yes, I agree that we DO NOT stay 100% the same as we are now... life, experience, happiness, sadness, success, failure.. they all change us... but certain personality factors / beliefs ( specially the main ones), unfortunately never change. I will NEVER be an insensitive person...i will never become careless and laidback ... I will NEVER believe in abortion ...

But there are certain things that change... I used to want to get married and have children...right now... not too fond about either of those two things. I used to be patient... right now...not so much...

It's so late...insomnia is killing me ...lol ... I have class in a couple of hours...

The point is... I wish we could change our bad habits, traits, and beliefs easily... I wish we could help one another change and become better people ... I wish instead of people getting defensive (believe me, I take criticism terribly), they would take criticism and use it to their benefit...

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

- Marilyn Manroe

"Destiny"...??

To my great disappointment, my attempt at searching for tranquility failed today. I was suppose to go to one of my old high school friend's church today. As I mentioned in my very first blog, he invited me to his church last week. Yesterday, I asked him if I could join him for Sunday service today. With his approval, I spent most of yesterday nervous about stepping into a Church. My previous experience with Churches haven't been the most delighted ones, and specially with the distance that now exists with "God" and I, thinking about going brought a bitter sweet feeling. Considering my bad case of insomnia, I slept at 7am (Sunday morning), woke up at 11am to eat and get ready. After chain smoking out of nervousness during my drive, I got there a few minutes earlier than him and I had arranged. Just as soon as I BBMed him to tell him that I had parked, he notified me that he had lost his wallet, won't be able to drive, was waiting for a ride, and was going to be late. He told me to go in alone, but I didn't have the nerve to do so...The following were my thought processes:

• deciding to go was a big step for me and even scary, going in alone...priceless scary
• My intentions were sincere, I wanted to figure out my stance... To see if I believe in God... and if "God" exists, he would have wanted me to go... to connect with him...find him... so I could take this as his lack of existence
• I was trying to really figure things out, and if he really exists, he wouldn't try to test me right away to see how persistent I am...or whatever... He would encourage me...no?
• If I am "meant to go", then another opportunity will arise?? maybe?? maybe not??
• Perhaps this is not the right time for me...Perhaps if God does exist, he wants me to go at another time (although I'm not quite sure why), or maybe I should go to a different Church...maybe even go alone, or with someone else..?? (Although I don't really see myself going alone). Perhaps I should go to a Buddhist temple? Perhaps Shul? Mosque?
• Or should I give up? I so desperately want to figure this out...I'm not sure if I want to give up...But I think if he exists, he KNOWS how badly I want to find him... maybe I'm being biased...maybe I'm trying to find something that doesn't exist...

Regardless, it didn't happen. I'm very disappointed. My friend was both disappointed and angry. I feel bad that he felt so bad...it really was NOT his fault...things happen ... maybe I should have gone in...maybe I should have waited until he got there? sighh......

I no longer know... All I know is I'm still nervous and jittery... I always felt my Search for Tranquility ... would be complete if I figured out this ordeal... will I ever??

sigh...

Le New Mission

Three years ago, when depression got the best of me, I made a list of everyday ordinary things that made me happy ...

My new mission, is to choose a particular day of the week, and every week on that day,write a list of things that I am thankful for/ content with. I highly encourage you all to do this ... because I think it's very important for us to be aware of the blessings in our lives.

Cleaning out my closet... literary !

Over the years, I have become a clean freak ! I used to be messy, but somehow (thankfully) that has changed. I like things in order. I like my clothes hung in a particular way: first tanks, then short sleeves, then 3/4 sleeves, full sleeves, dress shirts, jackets, city shorts, capris, brown dress pants, grey dress pants, black dress pants, jeans). Sweaters are folded below the hung clothes and my other closet is used for suits, dresses; leather jackets and shoes. If my room is messy, I become very anxious and edgy... and have a harder time falling asleep. During exams, I usually become a bit messy which is reflective of my scattered mood. Unlike previous years, I didn't perform my total clean up after exams. I usually like to reorganize my entire room ( I have alot of junk).

So Friday, I woke up and decided that "today is going to be cleaning day". It is very important to note that it usually takes about 3-4 days to complete this entire cleaning process... because I get distracted ... But anyway, I decided to start my regiment by cleaning out my closet (the one containing dresses and shoes), which consists of a upper portion that I can't reach without a stepping stool. This portion of my closet is purely dedicated to notes...school notes...from ....a gazillion years ago ! lol ... eeekkk..... The other side of the same closet contains my "memory boxes"in which are a bunch of receipts, letters, pictures, cards, really anything of anysentimental value. I also came across my old diaries, which I obviously peeked through... um... feeling sort of nostalgic right about now...

What I found to be interesting, is people who meant alot to me even eight to ten years ago, still have a part of my heart. I keep in touch with almost all of those people, perhaps some more than others; nevertheless, I still keep in touch with them (with the exception of some of my exs). Amongst these people, is le beautiful best friend...whom I have now known for 12 years now ( Love youuuu)

There is actually a particular item I found that I will probably write about another day, but for now, I'd like to focus on something that I've been pondering about...

There are items that I have held on to, that allow me to reminisce ... they help me with my mental suicide (yes dear Untamed Scientist...your guidance will soon be needed). In contrast, there are items, even minor details in my diary that bring me joy and warmth... So should one throw out everything that holds and brings out a negative connotation? What I really mean is that our mind does a fabulous job at reminding us of bad memories, so should we voluntarily keep possession of objects that prompt us to remember bad events/feelings or even worst, intensify the emotions that accompany those memories?

I don't know... it's 6 am...and I still have a lot of cleaning to do...

The perplexity of this universe

When a star explodes (supernova) elements from the explosion (thus elements of the star) gets dispersed into the universe. Subsequent to their explosion, they emit interstellar carbon which coalesce into other planets. I'm well aware of the other effects of this interstellar carbon, but do bare with me.

So, really we get a supernova-->interstellar carbon <--> planets (dont forget primordial carbon) --> living matter--> living matter die and give rise to forests--> get compressed to oil--> compressed to carbon dioxide --> photosynthesis--> living matter and ofcourse the cycle continues.

The point is, we get living matter from this interstellar carbon...so hypothetically speaking, (lets forget any empirical data/research on this topic...), the existence of living matter in other planets is possible. Nevertheless, the most abundant elements in space are hydrogen, helium, oxygen, nitrogen and carbon (in their perspective orders). Furthermore, carbon and oxygen are two important elements needed for the production of organic materials. Organic materials in return are needed to create the first living molecules ( for more info please read this old school paper http://calteches.library.caltech.edu/314/1/horowitz.pdf) ....so really ...in theory, living matter can exist if provided with such elements (taking into account that their function/structure may be different than what we know on earth).

Just to switch gears a little bit, lets now talk about Stephen Hawking. He suggests that it is not just a possibility but almost a certainty that life exists not just in other planets but also in other parts of the universe. I have not read this 68 year old's paper...or what seems to have been a documentary (if anyone knows or has this piece...please let me know); however, after reading several articles, it seems that Hawking suggests that " there could be life and intelligence out there in forms we can’t conceive,” he further explains that, “just as a chimpanzee can’t understand quantum theory, it could be there are aspects of reality that are beyond the capacity of our brains. "He finally concludes that, "if alients ever visit us, I think the outcome would be much as when Christopher Columbus first landed in America, which didn't turn out very well for the Native Americans."

I'm not sure if you have seen any of "his" videos on discovery, but some seem rather peculiar ! Specially the way he depicts the structure/shape of these "aliens". What I find fascinating is that although he mentions that extraterrestrial life exists in all shapes (even simple life form), how could he assume that they are "intelligent", let alone more intelligent than us?

Don't get me wrong, I DO believe that there could be life (ie. living matter) in other planets or other parts of the universe; however, I think Hawking may be a tad bit paranoid... Please view the video I have posted...you will see my point...

How funny would it be, if these "aliens" came to earth and adopted us as pets ! LOL ...or perhaps slavery across all humanity ...ok...EEEKKK....

I think I will go read what others have to say about "aliens", because I'm not too fond of Hawking at this moment... I shall update soon



http://dsc.discovery.com/videos/stephen-hawkings-universe-alien-grazers.html

http://dsc.discovery.com/videos/stephen-hawkings-universe-fear-the-aliens.html

Insomnia Continues...

When thinking about friendships and your relationships with others, regardless of their significance or lack thereof... Do you ever think about the costs and the benefits ? Is it wrong to do so?

Is it absolutely terrible to think about all the things you offer and the things you get in return? What if the costs outweigh the benefits? Under such circumstances, how big of a factor does loyalty play?

What if the relationship (this also refers to friendships...not just intimate cases) is no longer mutualistic? What if to you its a commensal relationship and subsequently it is an indifferent relationship to your friend/partner? Even worst (or is it?) what if the relationship is parasitic? What if one feeds off and the other suffers? When do you break ties??and if.... its indifferent to both parties??? BLAHHHH !!!

How much do you give... until you realize that you need something in return....

Is it all about balance?? Is there an "equilibrium" within relationships? I wish it was a two way reaction !

_______________________________________

Equilibrium

_______________________________________

Symbiosis

______________________________________

Cost-Benefit

______________________________________

I need sleep.

Also, Happy birthday to you.... I wish you nothing but success !

My Mind as an Oscillating Pendulum

As I mentioned in my previous blog, I used to be a blogger back in 2003. Naturally, after tweaking around on my current blog for HOURS... I went searching for my old account. It was probably one of the easiest scooping and searching I have EVER had to do. My account name was so predictable, it made me laugh. The content however, was not so easy for me to gulp down. I felt like I was reading a stranger's blog. I used to want two children, a girl and a boy. In one particular blog, I had shared with the world...what I wanted to name the girl: Neveah Penelope Tia Lataya, and the boy: Nathan Tyler Sebastian Deangelo. REALLY?? like...REALLY??????? Who is this person?? The diction used is literally FOUL ! Some of the wo

rds constantly incorporated within the blog include: ma (ie. My), dem (them), dat (that), bou (about), thang (thing), must I really go on? Filthiness upon foulness...Oh the shame. Obviously I blocked those accounts so no one would

EVER have access to them =)

I thought the diction was bad and as I was trying to come in terms with the amount of junk written, I came across a shared wishlist. The number one item on the wishlist was, "get an MD". My face inherently lit up and I became a bit more confident about this child that I was reading about. My dreams were once again shattered, as I found out that M.D. didn't stand for "Medicinae Doctor" (Doctor of Medicine), but rather some random piece of technology that was popular at the time (basically an mp3 player...and I'm not mentioning what it's actually called, because I honestly don't remember)..... FAIL !!!!!!!!!!! I clearly was not thinking about my future...

I start to think about my childhood or teenage years to be more correct. I have no recollection of 70% of the things mentioned on that blog. I always knew I had a very selective memory ( I am incredibly good at repressing memories yay ! lol), but I couldn't figure out why I would repress part of my teenage years. Why was I so embarrassed of who I was as a teen? Shouldn't I be proud that I've made a 180 degrees turn? Am I really going to look back at this blog in 7 years and once again be embarrassed? I hope not...

Also, I have made a mini progress...sort of.... I didn't sleep at all last night, so that I could go to bed early and perhaps put a final end to this insomniac/nocturnal cycle that seems endless. Problem is...I am not tired... and if I tried to sleep, my mind would just oscillate like a pendulum and I would never fall asleep.... AYOOOOO...never ending....

I talked to someone on the phone earlier today, and we were talking about turning 23. He was happy about this new transition, because he wasn't happy with his 22nd...!! If you read this...I think you should be proud of yourself ! Life will always throw rocks at you, it's really up to you to make something out of those rocks ( you watched "Lost" instead of studying for nutrition, so you should know some survival skills lol).... Point being....Make something out of the rocks... perhaps a boat to take you to the Caribbean...you know....med school? hahah kidding . What I did fail to mention...is that according to fob persian calender I was born on the 23rd...so um... I'm HOPING this will be a better year. Not that its starting in any particular way or anything.

Insomnia leading to insanity?

Firstly, I cant believe I'm blogging... I used to blog when I was 16 about my "broken heart," and I will now be blogging about my confusion in life !

Ever since I can remember, I have been searching for "tranquility" !! It has been a part of my msn name for...years (alongside with "a soul is restless until it finds rest in God"). I find it extremely despairing that I've only felt "tranquil" for a very short period of time in my life, and that was... years ago when I was young and inexperienced. Was that really "tranquility" or merely "happiness" .... I don't know. This tranquil feeling emerged as a result of my faith in God, and of course a significant other that was in my life at the time. The significant other, although still in my life is no longer "a part" of my life and unfortunately my faith in God has also deceased. Although generally a happy person, I find myself to have become a bit more cynical each day. I have sacrificed so much to undo my mistakes and focus on school that I have lost any real contact with "life" (I find myself constantly using these stupid quotes ...and somehow i cant help it). Is school really that important? My excuse for putting God aside started with , "oh, I have a test or an exam and I really don't have time." I then met someone who is a hardcore atheist. I spent hours with him for at least 4 months (and no... nothing was going on ...jeez), and after listening to him and researching the pure evolutionist point of view, my relationship with God came to a halt. Was school worth it? Was I influenced?

I am now stuck in an agnostic stage, in which I am mentally torn between two separate belief systems.

Today/yesterday, I met with an old friend of mine who does infact believe in God. I questioned him about his faith, and he reminded me of myself about two or three years ago. His belief, faith, dedication and devotion was a breath of fresh air and it made me question myself. We spoke about religion and God for some time, and he brought up something that I had previously thought about, and he randomly touched upon it. I had always thought that if I had a "calling" it would be to help those emotionally in need. I always wanted to be part of the big sister program. Was it a coincidence or a sign that he mentioned this without my disclosure? I agreed to join him at his church... perhaps it'll allow me to pass this agnostic stage?? Is it even a phase??

Online diary much? lol

I have barely had someone hold my hand and walk me through a crisis (metaphorically speaking of course), and I'm so petrified and confused right now that I would truly appreciate a helping hand; however, I know this is something I must find within myself. BLAH !

I DO know however, that what I'm feeling is destructive. My current lifestyle is also destructive. It's 5:40 AM ...most people are either sleeping or just getting up, and this is my mid-day !!! I used to refer to myself as "jubilantly nocturnal"...but it has now transitioned into being "miserably an insomniac" !! My life is currently so unstable, that I'm unable to pinpoint the exact source of my distress.

I also know that my conversation with him occurred at a perfect time.

Will I ever find true tranquility? If I do, I want to get a tattoo in chinese..hopefully that wont occur when Im so old and wrinkly that a tattoo would look nasty ! lol yes, thats my motivation to find tranquility soon (joke!...plz chuckle at my poor attempt).

Ps. The photo is my symbol of tranquility...I have adored this photo for as long as I remember...